1. Paula Deen’s Health Food Cook Book

    meganamram:

    Recently, Paula Deen has admitted that she’s had Type II Diabetes for years. Accordingly, she’s putting out a cookbook of healthy food. Here are some excerpts!

    FRUIT SALAD

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 lb. bag of Skittles

    3 cups ranch dressing

    DIRECTIONS:

    Mix well. Serve room temperature.

     -

    PAULA’S BROWN RICE

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 pilaf white rice           

    1 bowl melted Junior Mints

    DIRECTIONS:

    Cover rice in chocolate. Serve with maple syrup to taste. To splurge, top with a sprinkle of sausage calzones.

     -

    SCRAMBLED EGG WHITES

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 dozen (12) Cadbury eggs

    2 lbs. Frito crumbs

    1 package extra-fat pork lard

    1 pilaf Paula’s brown rice

    DIRECTIONS:

    Break the Cadbury eggs and harvest the crème-filled white centers. Dip them in the Frito crumbs. Put the lard (make SURE to get the extra-fat kind or it will be BLAND) in a frying pan on high heat, and fry the crème centers until golden-brown. Serve on a bed of Paula’s brown rice.

     -

    PAULA’S GARDEN BURGER

    INGREDIENTS:

    3 bags Olive Garden® Endless Breadsticks

    12 Olive Garden® Stuffed Mushrooms

    1 plate Olive Garden® New! Baked Pasta Romana with Chicken

    4 Olive Garden® Black Tie Mousse Cakes

    1 slice American cheese (optional)

    DIRECTIONS:

    Smash all of the Olive Garden® foods together until they resemble a large patty and top with cheese. For lowest calories, hold the cheese.

     -

    PAULA’S GUILT-FREE FAT-FREE® SMOOTHIE

    INGREDIENTS:

    34 lbs. sugar

    DIRECTIONS:

    Put sugar in smoothie glass and drink with straw, serve chilled in white wine tumblers or, for special occasions, lap from trough. This delicacy is guilt-free since you can make a conscious choice not to feel guilty about anything you put in your body like Paula does!

     -

    BUFFET AND A BURGER

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 burger

    1 Las Vegas buffet

    Christmas-themed elastic pants (optional)

    DIRECTIONS:

    Go to Las Vegas buffet. Make sure the buffet has burgers, or provide your own. Do NOT walk around the buffet. Get a motorized scooter, or stay in one spot and use a jaws of life to pick some of each buffet food out of the tubs and put it on your burger. Elastic pants are nice because your gupa (gunt-fupa) stays nicely inside the stretchy pants except for a few folds of fat with stretch marks that seep out of the pants.

     -

    PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLIES

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 peanut

    18 sticks of butter, mashed

    1 pair Jellies shoes

    DIRECTIONS:

    Cover the shoes with butter and top with the peanut, and then eat the shoes. If you eat shoes it’s like you’re exercising so it’s VERY healthy.

     -

    PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® PIZZA PANTS

    INGREDIENTS:

    10’x20’ swath of pizza

    Another pizza to use as pepperonis on the pizza

    Stuffed mushrooms

    FYI the mushrooms are stuffed with smaller pizzas

    Smuckers magic shell ice cream topping

    Rolos

    Coca-cola

    3 bags gummy bears

    Fondue

    Caesar salad dressing

    Wood chips (as a thickener)

    Grenadine syrup

    Butter-flour mixture

    Pizza Pockets

    1 sewing machine

    1 sewing pattern for pants (size XXXL)

    DIRECTIONS:

    Mushrooms are a vegetable and there are definitely some mushrooms on that pizza so technically they are HEALTHY-style pizza pants. Take the really big pizza. Put all of the other ingredients on the pizza. Pour the coke on the pizza. Dip the pizza in the fondue, and resist eating it before you make it into pants, no cheating!!! Sew that pizza into pants using the machine and the pattern. Make sure to sew in some pockets so you can keep a few extra spare Pizza Pockets in your pizza pockets!!!! Then eat your pants!!!!!!!!!!!

     -

    PAULA’S GUILT-FREE® TURTURTURDUCKDUCKENDUCKEN

    INGREDIENTS:

    3 turduckens

    DIRECTIONS:

    Stuff a turducken in a turducken in a turducken. While you’re waiting for it to cook, make your fat niece make you some pizza pants while you’re watching Pawn Stars and eat your pants and then slap your niece.

     -

    INSULIN AU GRATIN

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 insulin shot

    15 lbs. block of cheddar cheese

    DIRECTIONS:

    Bury insulin shot in cheese. When you’re going into a diabetic coma, just eat your way to the shot!! Eat the cheese fast or you’ll die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

     -

    SPARKLING WATER

    INGREDIENTS:

    1 glass sparkling water

    1 ham

    DIRECTIONS:

    Put ham in water.

  2. A car door lock that looks like a nipple.

    A car door lock that looks like a nipple.

  3. Impersonate me in my ask?

    (Source: fortroughs, via faustianslip)

    4. i never do these but this sounds pretty cute and sara got some great results so okay
  4. vicemag: People are understandably upset after video emerged of what appears to be U.S. Marines urinating on Afghan corpses. If they’re surprised, however, they need to pick up a history book. Soldiers piss on corpses in every war. On both sides. Soldiers rape civilians, as a rule, in every war that has ever taken place since time immemorial. Rape is a weapon of war. Piss, some people are now learning, is a weapon of war. Some fucked-up, disgusting combination of the two, plus shit and dismemberment, is a weapon of war. Bad guys do it. “Good” guys do it. When a country’s government decides to wage war, they are deciding to sanction piss, rape, and the torture and murder of women and children who had the colossally bad fortune to be in the midst of the war. When the U.S. decided to enter into Afghanistan and then Iraq, they (i.e. Congress and the president, and the myriad companies that profit from war) knew this. I’m not singling out the U.S. here; while we’re as good at implementing the more horrific, soul-erasing weapons as anyone, we’re not alone. Does your country have a military? In times of war, they kill people, and sometimes they piss on them. If it isn’t clear why I’m detailing this, it is because I want to express an old thought: war is the very worst thing there is. And if you command an army, you better the fuck understand, in your probably cowardly, definitely privileged, likely draft-dodging bones, that when you send soldiers out to fight and die, they are going to do some unconscionable, irreversible things. And they are doing it in your name. Because you told them to.  And pissing on a corpse is a FUCKING POEM compared to issuing an order for beautiful young people to go and kill other beautiful young people in a land far away, because you, in essence, “felt like it.” Previously - On Hating Gay People @robdelaney

    vicemag:

    People are understandably upset after video emerged of what appears to be U.S. Marines urinating on Afghan corpses. If they’re surprised, however, they need to pick up a history book. Soldiers piss on corpses in every war. On both sides. Soldiers rape civilians, as a rule, in every war that has ever taken place since time immemorial. Rape is a weapon of war. Piss, some people are now learning, is a weapon of war. Some fucked-up, disgusting combination of the two, plus shit and dismemberment, is a weapon of war. Bad guys do it. “Good” guys do it. When a country’s government decides to wage war, they are deciding to sanction piss, rape, and the torture and murder of women and children who had the colossally bad fortune to be in the midst of the war. When the U.S. decided to enter into Afghanistan and then Iraq, they (i.e. Congress and the president, and the myriad companies that profit from war) knew this. I’m not singling out the U.S. here; while we’re as good at implementing the more horrific, soul-erasing weapons as anyone, we’re not alone. Does your country have a military? In times of war, they kill people, and sometimes they piss on them.

    If it isn’t clear why I’m detailing this, it is because I want to express an old thought: war is the very worst thing there is. And if you command an army, you better the fuck understand, in your probably cowardly, definitely privileged, likely draft-dodging bones, that when you send soldiers out to fight and die, they are going to do some unconscionable, irreversible things. And they are doing it in your name. Because you told them to.  And pissing on a corpse is a FUCKING POEM compared to issuing an order for beautiful young people to go and kill other beautiful young people in a land far away, because you, in essence, “felt like it.”

    Previously - On Hating Gay People

    @robdelaney

    (via robdelaney)

    5. hey guess what
  5. [Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

    themusiclibrary:

    Monster (ft Jay-Z, Rick Ross, Bon Iver & Nicki Minaj) - Kanye West

    (via purpleboots)

  6. escoffiette:

    Now if only we could get a taco bed. All would be well !

    krismukai:

    kosmonatik2:

    holy pizza!

    HHNNGGGHHHHYYYAAAAHHH

    7. pizza bed pizza bed pizza bed pizza bed pizza bed pizza bed

  7. Moonrise Kingdom (2012)

    (via pitcherplant)

    8. OH NUH UH NUH UH!!!!

  8. kynodontas replied to your photo: B|

    omg you watch criminal minds too?!?!

    I do now!  I’m marathoning the entire series right now, and I’m in the latter half of the fourth season.  I am disgustingly in love with it to the maximum level.  LET’S DISCUSS.

    9. kynodontas
  9. B|

    B|

    10. this fuckin guy criminal minds
  10. jason alexander lookin all mr. magorium in criminal minds

    jason alexander lookin all mr. magorium in criminal minds

    11. oh no
Designed by Behrad Ghadiri